Do you need a man to have a baby?: What Chili wants edition

Jan 31, 2011 @ 10:28 am | By TheFeministGriote | 1 Comment

Chili who is the star of What What Chili Wants on VH1 is 38 and frantically trying to find Mr. Right so she can have another child and fulfill her dream of being married. Chili is gorgeous and looks better than most 20-somethings, but it doesn’t matter how good she looks on the outside the reality is that her biological clock is not only ringing it is very close to being silenced forever. Chili is very traditional and wants to have the marriage then have the kids nothing wrong with wanting that, but let me again remind you she is 38. On last night’s episode her former band-mate T-Boz was on the show. T-Boz is already 40 and also wants to have a child and also wants to be married, but unlike Chili she is open to adoption and to freezing her eggs if the dream of a husband does not happen in a timely manner.

On episode one this season of What Chili Wants Chili went to her OB/GYN and he was telling her that due to her age she really has no time to wait and started laying out all of her possible options for conception. Chili scoffed and was completely not open to having kids in any other manner than the old fashion way. As a feminist I respect a woman’s right to choose and to live her life on her own terms, but if time is an issue which it is for Chili I don’t understand why she needs a husband to have a child. Scientifically a woman is most fertile between the ages of 18-25 somewhere around age 25-26 fertility starts to decrease slowly. By the age of 35 fertility rapidly declines  then by age 40 you are officially at the crisis age! 2/3 of women who attempt to have children at age 40 will experience major issues in trying to conceive. Therefore it is safe to say that Chili is almost at the crisis situation.

On last night’s episode Chili goes on a first date with a dreamy white man and she asks the guy if he wants children and to me that was way too forward and too deep for a first date. Yes I understand that Chili wants a baby NOW, but you can’t go into every dating situation like you are interviewing for a job or kidney donor. Looking for a life partner needs to be a well thought out process and should happen organically in my opinion. Although, Chili has a long list of requirements there is no guarantee that all those things will translate in real life into a great life partner. If a woman of Chili’s age is that pressed to have a child then why not just go the modern science route? Freeze your eggs and give yourself the option to date in a carefree manner where you can really evaluate your suitor(s). I am not advocating that all women of a certain age should just forget about marriage and men and just settle for the sperm bank route that is not what I am saying at all, but if you really want to have a child desperately and time is not on your side why not go out and get what you want. In real life women who are over 35 don’t have the luxury of having a Tionna Smalls to interview potential suitors for them to help expedite the process of finding Mr. Right. In real life women have to work with what they have.

I understand that there is a high percentage of unwed mothers within the Black community, but not all single mothers are victims of unplanned pregnancies also they’re not all tragic, broke, and suffering. I think Black women shame themselves into thinking there is something wrong if they do not have a husband to help facilitate having a child. I don’t see White women suffering from that unnecessary shame. There are some women who for whatever reason have not found Mr. Right yet, but I refuse to accept that the absence of a marriage and husband should stop a woman from pursuing her dream of being a mother. As I write this blog I must admit that marriage and children are not on my list of things-to-do, but as a 20-something year old woman I am also very well aware of what my options are and I am thinking of freezing my eggs just in case, I wake up at age 35-40 and decide I want the pitter patter of a child in my life and want to trade my two-door car for a mini-van on 20 inch rims. I said all of that to say this, life is going on and your clock is ticking and winding down, live your life and don’t let the shame or the order of things stop you from having what your heart truly desires.

What do you think should a woman over 35 wait on a marriage or merely take matters into her own hands?

One Response to “ Do you need a man to have a baby?: What Chili wants edition ”

  1. Great Article! My siblings watch Chili’s show and I have seen it a couple of times. When I watch the show, I can’t help but feel bad for Chili. Not in a judgemental way, but she is stuck on this idealistic situation, that she does not look outside the box. Does she watch her show? Would she ever recommend to a woman on the first date ask the man if he wants children. I am sure if she was not blinded by her desire to be married/have kids, she would not act the way she does.

    At 38, I feel she can do whatever she wants without being frowned upon. She had a successful career, is beautiful, and appears to be kind… why would anyone look down on her for having a child outside of marriage? She isn’t 20, she is 38, a grown woman. I hope for her sake, someone is able to shake her into reality and she either freezes her eggs, has a child out of marriage, or adopts, before she reaches an age where she no longer can and sinks into regret/depression.

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