“Colored Single Girl Chronicles” Part 1

Aug 02, 2010 @ 12:24 pm | By TheFeministGriote | 8 Comments

“Bag lady you gone hurt your back
Dragging all them bags like that
I guess nobody ever told you
All you must hold on to
Is you, is you, is you”-

Erykah Badu from the song “Bag Lady”

When I first started this blog I thought I was very precise in what I wanted to achieve. As an avid reader of blogs that is mainly written by men and women of color I saw a definitive lack. Most of the blogs are rooted in celebrity gossip, fashion, music, or mindless rhetoric. I wanted to write a blog that a person like me would want to read. I believe in balance. I love fashion and of course indulge in the occasional gossip blogs, but surely there is more too life and my interests. It is from this thought that I birthed this blog. I wanted to talk to other like-minded conscious men and women who believe in equality among the sexes.  I promised myself when I started this blog that I would try to remain objective and not bore anyone with my personal life (this is a blog not a diary), but all of a sudden my psyche was being attacked

Every time I sit down to read a blog I feel personally attacked. There is always some man or woman who is trying to convince me on how to get A MAN and that my being single was a life sentence that I should seek an appeal for. White media started highlighting the “epidemic” of single successful Black women who are not able to find suitable mates with Black men. Then there is Steve Harvey who has christened himself the Bishop of  Black relationships and who wants to educate  Black women on how to “Act like a Lady and Think Like a Man”. Every piece of literature on dating that I have read is trying to make women fluent in the language of  man.  As a single woman I am constantly being reprimanded for not knowing how to speak the language of dating. Every pseudo relationship blogger (who is more often than not unmarried herself/himself) wants to make me an expert on the opposite sex, but no one cares to ask or concern themselves with how my relationship with myself is? So I have decided to start this “Colored Single Girl Series” to speak to that void.  I cannot dare look for love outside myself if I am not fully invested and in love with myself.

I am a single, educated, Black woman not a leper. The first step that every woman who is single should address is the shame that being single is wrongly attached to. I am Haitian-American and the only female child in my family and I know all about shame. In my culture anyone who is over 25 and not yet married is looked at with great suspicion and everyone thinks it is their solemn duty to remind you of your chronic disease called singleness that you are suffering from. It took me two years of intense conversation to convince my mother that my life is not lacking because I have not yet found the “man of my dreams”. I often felt my accomplishments never truly measured up because I had no man to solidify my success. Every time I would attend a family function (which is very rare) I would feel like a naked cadaver being probed with questions like,”when are you getting married, and why don’t I have a boyfriend”. As if being single is not hard enough my now 86 year old grandmother would tell me that she doesn’t want to die before I get married, talk about PRESSURE.

Once I worked through the anger, shame, and bitterness I realized that my family is not going to fully understand my plight as a single woman and quite frankly it’s not there job to. I have to be comfortable with my present station in life. I have to validate myself and remind myself that there is life outside of a relationship. I learned that I needed to start courting and dating myself. You see every time you go to the grocery store and your standing at the check out line there is a magazine that is telling you what to do and wear to get a MAN, how to decipher if he’s “just not that into you”, or what types of freaky sex tricks you should perform in bed to keep him coming back. My spirit is constantly being plagued with all this negativity so therefore, it becomes imperative that I supplement that shallow negative talk with positive self talk.  Singleness is a time to really learn yourself change or eradicate those thing which you don’t like about yourself and basically BE YOU!

If you can only see yourself through the gaze of your lover/mates eyes then you are missing the whole picture of who you are. I am not going to lie and say hey I am always happy with the fact that I am single, but I refuse to allow anyone be it family, media,or society to convince me that I am lacking or missing because I don’t have a man. I have myself and what could be possibly better than ME. If the thought of entertaining yourself alone scares you or petrifies you then you don’t deserve to be in a relationship with someone else, because you are already failing at your most important relationship which is the one with self.  Use your time alone wisely and go through your emotional baggage’s and do some spring cleaning. Tackle your fear of being alone. I had a problem with that so I started purposely putting myself in positions that would force me to be with me. I started off slow going to the movies alone, then I graduated to going to dinner alone, and just this year I went to an arena concert alone and now I am so comfortable and unashamed to be seen alone my next project will be vacationing alone. Stop running from man to man and bed to bed learn how to sleep in your bed alone and be good to yourself alone!

8 Responses to “ “Colored Single Girl Chronicles” Part 1 ”

  1. If you cannot stand to be alone you aren’t fully prepared to be apart of a strong, good, and functional relationship. My family is also big on the “when are you getting married” or “so…when are kids coming” speeches. I remember right after I graduated from grad school I had multiple fmaily memebers ask me when am I going o have kids. My response was (and still is) “when you see a 1.5 carat purple diamond ring and band on my left hand. Until then there are plenty of kids in this family”. I’m perfectly fine with being single and childless in my 20s. My time will come and I feel that since I had to wait this long to get mine it’ll be all the more better.

  2. To be honest when you raved about self-loving and the importance of knowing thyself, I didn’t think it was necessary. However recently I realized that you could meet your soulmate and for unforntunate circumstances it could be at the wrong time, and given the fact that this is the real world, no one is going to wait for you to “get yourself together”. So before you even think about trying to bond your life with someone else’s you need to check if you could stand alone. A relationship can only succeed with two “whole” people, not a whole and a half, or two halves, but two complete souls.
    So with said, get your issues in check. If you don’t love your body, then how do you expect to get intimate with someone. If you can’t achieve peace of mind, even in complete silence, then how could you coexist peacefully with another human being. And most importantly, how could you possibly tend to someone else’s emotions if you can’t even control your own. So I agree, know thyself, be comfortable with being alone, know where you stand emotionally, physically, and spiritually, and love yourself. Never rest you peace of mind, self-confidence, or self-worth in the hands of ANYONE. You are your own greatest mate…

  3. It takes a really strong person to embrace being single and not feel deprived or as if something is wrong with them. Many women rather settle for a bad relationship than to be single. I am also haitian, I can not tell you how many times the issue of me being single have came up every time I visit family. What some people fail to realize is that our purpose here on earth is not to solely get hitched or take care of a man. I would like to think that I have a deeper purpose in life. Although, it is a scary thought for me, after many failed attempts at a relationship I had to accept that there is a slight possibility I might never get married any time soon or at all. If this is how it was meant to be, then my duty to myself is to live the best possible life that I can alone.

  4. @ Emmanuela as long as you are actively pursuing your goals and dreams you can never be ALONE. Marriage and kids is a bonus to all the other good things that should be going on in our lives!

  5. I’m really impressed on reading this blog. It was very helpful and the underlying message is to love your whole self before you can give yourself to anyone. I remember going through that phase at 21, I was in and out of a relationship I thought was good but it was all about convenience for the other. When I was raped, I decided to stop dating and start to have a relationship with my creator for a year and 5 months. I began to look deep within myself and learn to love myself all over again. Yes it took me a year and 5 months to realize that conforming to the social norm has brought us nothing but despair. I enjoyed reading it, it was very informative. May the Lord continue to bless you so you can bless others.
    ~Luna Saturne-Mills~

  6. This is very much true. Alot of people are so set out to be tied down with someone that when they finally get with someone they have not yet learned who they are and never learn to admit when they are wrong, never learn to communicate with their mate for the relationship to be healthy, and they forget how to prioritize the things in their life and they get wrapped up. You can truely loose yourself in a relationship if you have never really found yourself.

  7. camile card | August 4, 2010 6:04 pm

    Well I must say that I really enjoyed reading this blog. Being single can be a very lonely experience. I’ve been single for quite some time now and I just feel like I am ready for companionship. I must say that I can definitely improve on how I use my time being that I am single. I have tons of “me” time and sometimes I like it and at other times I just would like to have a companion. Someone that I can share my day with, go out to dinner with or catch a movies with. Something’s are fun to do alone but I have not been able to bring myself to go out alone. Going to the movies, out to eat etc…just seems like activities that should be done with company. I’ve always told myself that I’d give it a try but I haven’t been able to yet. Like you, I am looked at by my mother in a strange way because I’m single. I have never been one to settle or put up with foolishness from my mate. I have standards and I don’t feel like they are too high or asking for too much, but I’ve been single for so long I’m starting to question it. I observe others relationships and my personal opinion is that many people settle and put up with way too much just to say that they are taken. Deep down they are unhappy and end up putting up with garbage from their mate. Maybe if I start taking myself out on dates being single wont be that tormenting to me….

  8. A few things….
    First, I LOVE IT!!! I LOVE IT!!! I LOVE IT!!! The world NEEDS to hear these jewels of wisdom – no joke! Too often we hear (and are often looked down upon) because we haven’t made it to a certain marital status. Mind you, there aren’t very many elders (it seems) that are schooling young ladies on how to be ladies, how to love themselves first, how to BE that person that they want to marry etc. *I mean the shit don’t just come over night. This stuff is all a process. Yet more folk talk about the whys, whens and hows vs uplifting us where we are in our process. So my dear Lu, you got it! You discovered the key to getting to that level of marital status change (if one so wishes).

    It honestly wasn’t until I FULLY embraced singlehood, saw all of the blessings I had right in front of me (and not focused on what I didn’t have because I wasn’t in a relationship) that I came to meet my husband. And when I tell you a sistah was happy single!!! Don’t get me wrong, I love being married, because at my core, I am a wife. But as a single woman, I fully embraced EVERY blessing. I dined alone, went to the movies alone, went on walks alone – and got dressed up to go out too! I vacationed alone – traveled to see friends and family and even went on a 5 day cruise by myself. Of course, everyone I knew was like “Uhm….what?” But you know what, that was the BEST vacation. I had a blast! So mama, I salute you in loving yourself, in dating yourself, in giving yourself special attention, in getting to really know you…cause like you said (and it was said to me too) if you don’t like being with you, how can you expect someone else to? If you don’t love you, how can you expect someone else to? And at the end of the day, YOU are who you’re gonna be with sunrise to sunset.

    ‘Gon with yo bad self, mama! I look forward to reading the next…

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