Aug 02, 2010 @ 12:24 pm | By TheFeministGriote | 8 Comments
“Bag lady you gone hurt your back
Dragging all them bags like that
I guess nobody ever told you
All you must hold on to
Is you, is you, is you”-
Erykah Badu from the song “Bag Lady”
When I first started this blog I thought I was very precise in what I wanted to achieve. As an avid reader of blogs that is mainly written by men and women of color I saw a definitive lack. Most of the blogs are rooted in celebrity gossip, fashion, music, or mindless rhetoric. I wanted to write a blog that a person like me would want to read. I believe in balance. I love fashion and of course indulge in the occasional gossip blogs, but surely there is more too life and my interests. It is from this thought that I birthed this blog. I wanted to talk to other like-minded conscious men and women who believe in equality among the sexes. I promised myself when I started this blog that I would try to remain objective and not bore anyone with my personal life (this is a blog not a diary), but all of a sudden my psyche was being attacked
Every time I sit down to read a blog I feel personally attacked. There is always some man or woman who is trying to convince me on how to get A MAN and that my being single was a life sentence that I should seek an appeal for. White media started highlighting the “epidemic” of single successful Black women who are not able to find suitable mates with Black men. Then there is Steve Harvey who has christened himself the Bishop of Black relationships and who wants to educate Black women on how to “Act like a Lady and Think Like a Man”. Every piece of literature on dating that I have read is trying to make women fluent in the language of man. As a single woman I am constantly being reprimanded for not knowing how to speak the language of dating. Every pseudo relationship blogger (who is more often than not unmarried herself/himself) wants to make me an expert on the opposite sex, but no one cares to ask or concern themselves with how my relationship with myself is? So I have decided to start this “Colored Single Girl Series” to speak to that void. I cannot dare look for love outside myself if I am not fully invested and in love with myself.
I am a single, educated, Black woman not a leper. The first step that every woman who is single should address is the shame that being single is wrongly attached to. I am Haitian-American and the only female child in my family and I know all about shame. In my culture anyone who is over 25 and not yet married is looked at with great suspicion and everyone thinks it is their solemn duty to remind you of your chronic disease called singleness that you are suffering from. It took me two years of intense conversation to convince my mother that my life is not lacking because I have not yet found the “man of my dreams”. I often felt my accomplishments never truly measured up because I had no man to solidify my success. Every time I would attend a family function (which is very rare) I would feel like a naked cadaver being probed with questions like,”when are you getting married, and why don’t I have a boyfriend”. As if being single is not hard enough my now 86 year old grandmother would tell me that she doesn’t want to die before I get married, talk about PRESSURE.
Once I worked through the anger, shame, and bitterness I realized that my family is not going to fully understand my plight as a single woman and quite frankly it’s not there job to. I have to be comfortable with my present station in life. I have to validate myself and remind myself that there is life outside of a relationship. I learned that I needed to start courting and dating myself. You see every time you go to the grocery store and your standing at the check out line there is a magazine that is telling you what to do and wear to get a MAN, how to decipher if he’s “just not that into you”, or what types of freaky sex tricks you should perform in bed to keep him coming back. My spirit is constantly being plagued with all this negativity so therefore, it becomes imperative that I supplement that shallow negative talk with positive self talk. Singleness is a time to really learn yourself change or eradicate those thing which you don’t like about yourself and basically BE YOU!
If you can only see yourself through the gaze of your lover/mates eyes then you are missing the whole picture of who you are. I am not going to lie and say hey I am always happy with the fact that I am single, but I refuse to allow anyone be it family, media,or society to convince me that I am lacking or missing because I don’t have a man. I have myself and what could be possibly better than ME. If the thought of entertaining yourself alone scares you or petrifies you then you don’t deserve to be in a relationship with someone else, because you are already failing at your most important relationship which is the one with self. Use your time alone wisely and go through your emotional baggage’s and do some spring cleaning. Tackle your fear of being alone. I had a problem with that so I started purposely putting myself in positions that would force me to be with me. I started off slow going to the movies alone, then I graduated to going to dinner alone, and just this year I went to an arena concert alone and now I am so comfortable and unashamed to be seen alone my next project will be vacationing alone. Stop running from man to man and bed to bed learn how to sleep in your bed alone and be good to yourself alone!
Categories: The Temple of My Familiar