Mar 23, 2011 @ 8:58 am | By TheFeministGriote | 1 Comment
“The truth is, we say a lot about how the beauty standards needs to change, but we often forget to give the blow by blow of the personal and painstaking process it takes to make that change happen. We don’t take the time to write new scripts based not on what the culture dictates, but on what we have come to know and experience in the intimate moments of our day-to-day lives”-Rebecca Walker from the book Adios Barbie
If you are an avid reader of my blog then you must have noticed that I have been very quiet this month. Of all months for me to go through a quiet spell, I subconsciously chose March which is also Women’s Month. So many things have happened in pop-culture that I wanted to comment on, but intuitively I was always drawn to talking about my weight, but I was hesitant to do so for two reasons one being that I have already written about my weight back in October and the second because I am not a fitness blogger and blogging about weight loss is not what I do. Pop-culture, politics, and feminist issues is “what I do,” but its hard to keep quiet about weight loss.
On my twitter account @FeministGriote I am painfully honest about my weight journey. I tweet when I weigh myself, when I go workout, my exercise routine, and eating habits. I tweet about it because it keeps me honest about the process. If I can make it a frequent topic of discussion on my twitter account then surely, I should be able to contextualize it outside of the 140 character constraints. Last October when I addressed my weight issues I was a size 18 and fabulous! I couldn’t run to save my life, but I was well dressed which meant everything to me at that particular time in my life. Five months later I am no longer a size 18.I believe I am in the size 14/16 neighborhood. I am 37 pounds lighter. I have reintroduced myself to fruits and vegetables and started addressing my issues with food. I am still striving to be a size 10/12 which means I have about 30-40 more pounds to go.
This weight loss journey has not been easy for me. For so long I have gladly worn the title of the ‘sexy-well dressed-big-girl.’ As I am going through this process of dropping this weight and trying to get back to happy, I am now having to realize how addicted I was to the ‘big girl’ title. For so long that is who I was. I loved the fact that I could out dress women half my size and that people used me as the barometer of how ‘big girls’ should carry themselves. It sounds very narcissistic now, but I am the only girl-child in my family belonging with other women is very important to me, and I found belonging amongst the ‘pretty- well- dressed- big girls.’ By me loosing this weight I feel like I am telling the world I want to be the standard and that I was not happy with myself. Truth is, I was not happy being a size 18 because wearing heels became too taxing, shopping was depressing, and not being able to walk up a flight of stairs was embarrassing. I am now learning that as I shed this weight I am also shedding a persona that I have allowed myself to be boxed into. For so long I have enjoyed being the vulptuous siren, but I was not healthy. My ultimate goal is to be healthy and weight loss just happens to be a by product of that. I want to be a size 10/12 because that is the weight I remember being the most comfortable with myself. It’s not skinny, but its not fat it’s in that sexy shade of gray area that I like to call ‘womanly’. Once I get to my desired size, I will then decide if I want to continue dropping or simply maintain. This weight loss journey has taught me that I am far more disciplined, much stronger, and that I always had the power to change. I am leaving the ‘big girl’ club with my head held high and like a dear friend told me, “leave the door open so that the rest of us can leave too.”
P.S. I would like to thank LidiaAnain for being her sister’s keeper and softly, but firmly nudging me to write from the ‘vulnerble place’ 🙂
How has weight factored into your life?
Categories: Venus vs Mars