The Colored Single Girl Chronicles Part 5: The finale post

Sep 06, 2010 @ 12:56 pm | By TheFeministGriote | 0 Comments

“Maybe some women aren’t meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free till they find someone just as wild to run with them”-Sex and the City

During the month of August I started the series called “The Colored Single Girl Chronicles.” My reason in starting this series is because I wanted to celebrate women who currently find themselves single. I read a lot of books and blogs and not many writers or bloggers celebrate female singleness as a positive station in life. Some of us are single by choice because we would rather be with ourselves than be in a meaningless and tepid relationship and then there are those of us who didn’t have a choice in being single. We were abandoned by our mates and lovers and now we are trying to navigate this single life without a map. No matter how you came to be single I wanted to celebrate being single. I wanted to address and highlight the positives. Being single gives you the power to find yourself and revamp yourself without the fear of feeling that you are alienating your mate. You have the unique opportunity to engage life on a more personal level.

When I first found myself single it was scary and very lonely. The emotional roller coaster would waiver between extreme apathy and hatred and then it would plummet to extreme loneliness, depression, and questioning of my self worth. I was trying hard to find a happy medium. The relationship I left was a horrible relationship that did not reflect my intelligence or good decision making skills. It was a rebound relationship in which I was doing all the work emotionally, physically, and financially. I was the only one who was emotionally checked into the relationship. When that relationship ended I was mainly mourning the waste of time which was coupled with all the other failed relationships that I never got a chance to heal and mourn. It was a scary time for me, but I have made it. I am no longer depressed or unhappy about not being in a unit.

I have now been single for over two years and I have just discovered something both powerful and potentially problematic. I have discovered the more time I spend being single the more turned off I am by the thought of being in a relationship. I have become increasingly selfish with my time. I like my autonomy and the fact that I have fallen in love with myself in such a way that I never thought it would be possible. I have always been told that I am strong, most people who say that about me usually are referring to the fact that I don’t fear standing up and speaking out against the status quo, which to me is more of a brazenness type of spirit rather than strength. However as time went on during the “dark ages” of my singleness the pain appeared to be getting deeper and the well of loneliness seemed bottomless, but I found the strength to smile, laugh, think critically, judge myself and the situation accordingly, be productive, be proactive, maintain, sustain, and show up everyday to my life. That took strength and courage that was beyond me.

When I think of all the time, money, energy that I spent on relationships and “love”  and in the end I still came up emotionally bankrupt it makes me furious. I know some of you may argue that at least I experienced love and have memories to refer to and to that I say who cares how did those experiences better my bottom line? That is time I gambled away on someone else when I could have been building my brand, increasing my net worth, and learning myself. Yes these relationships definitely helped me to learn different aspects of myself that I would have never have learned otherwise, but at what cost? If you look at they way men pattern their lives men who are on the upper echelon of their craft they worry about marriage and kids after they make it to the top because they understand that in order to make your dreams come true you have to sacrifice and often times that sacrifice is not having a serious engaging love life. Lets be honest relationships make you sloppy and make you loose a sense of self. I know as women we are fighting against the biological clock warfare, but I refuse to be held hostage by my biological clock. Nor am I insinuating that a woman has to chose between love and a career. But we must let go of the notion that every woman is destined to be a mother because she she is biologically female.  What keeps me up at night is not the elaborate wedding that I may never have nor am I naming my unborn children. When I look at my list of things to do before I check out of this life love and relationships is not even on the top 20. I understand that this is an extreme view point for many women and that I may stand alone on this and that is okay. I know there are several women who feel their purpose in life to be Mrs. So-and-So and someones mother. I don’t feel that my ultimate purpose in life is to be married and have kids and I will not consider my life a failure if I never become a wife or a mother.  My contribution to this world is much bigger than that. Maybe for some women our life’s work is our soul-mate and we will give birth through the dreams that we help nurture in others. I am obsessed with what my legacy will be and what epitaph will read and for me she was a good mother and wife is not sufficient. I am not looking down on the institution of marriage and  motherhood, but I can no longer be held hostage by a fairytale. Some queens may have to rule alone.

P.S. I am open to change if the universe sees fit!

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